Beyond the light of truth and illusions

The expectations of love and the realities of love can be two very different things

expectations
Waking up from infatuation can be a disappointment. The oxytocin and endorphins have taken timeout and your body needs to cool down or you will get emotionally burned out. Sanity set in. There can also be self-doubt and some anxiety. Now the curtains fall and the person we thought we knew has horrors and some flaws.

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold on to it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits.” ― Sarah Ban Breathnach, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy

You may have rushed into the relationship too fast and too far. This is when we should re-evaluate our new partner. Most people are decent and we all have to make some compromises in every healthy relationship. But what if this is the wrong person. Now when you have woken up from the passion induced daze called infatuation, now is the time to make sure you are with the right person for you.

Reality is the conjectured state of things as they actually exist, rather than as they may appear or might be imagined.[1] In a wider definition, reality includes everything that is and has been, whether or not it is observable or comprehensible. A still more broad definition includes everything that has existed, exists, or will exist.
You might argue that
“Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal”.
Jean-Paul Sartre

Philosophers, mathematicians, and other ancient and modern thinkers, such as Aristotle, Plato, Frege, Wittgenstein, and Russell, have made a distinction between thought corresponding to reality, coherent abstractions (thoughts of things that are imaginable but not real), and that which cannot even be rationally thought. By contrast existence is often restricted solely to that which has physical existence or has a direct basis in it in the way that thoughts do in the brain.
This stage has been described as disappointment, disillusionment or the burst balloon stage. For anyone raised on Barbara Cartland and Hollywood chick movies this rude awakening comes as a dreadful shock. There can be feelings of being cheated and an actual grieving for the loss of the excitement of infatuation.
“What I have since realized is that if people expect you to be brave, sometimes you pretend that you are, even when you are frightened down to your very bones. ”
― Sharon Creech, Walk Two Moons

reality-check
Reality is often contrasted with what is imaginary, delusional, (only) in the mind, dreams, what is false, what is fictional, or what is abstract. At the same time, what is abstract plays a role both in everyday life and in academic research. For instance, causality, virtue, life and distributive justice are abstract concepts that can be difficult to define, but they are only rarely equalled with pure delusions. Both the existence and reality of abstractions is in dispute: one extreme position regard them as mere words, another position regard them as higher truths than less abstract concepts. This disagreement is the basis of the philosophical Problem of universals.

.Love is:Love is not pushy. Love is respect. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy.Love does not boast. Love is not proud. Love is not rude. Love is unselfish. Love is not easily provoked or angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil. Love rejoices with the truth. Love always protects. Love always trusts. Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. Love never fails.

The reality about love can not be the same as the burst into a fantasy world that is infatuation..
This is where the relationship takes a turn towards reality. The lovers must also learn to be each other’s best friend as well. There are many processes occurring at the same time:
• Adjusting to reality.
• Learning to deal with differences and conflicts.
• Finding one’s individuality and independence while in an intimate interdependent relationship.

cheating“If men could see us as we really are, they would be a little amazed; but the cleverest, the acutest men are often under an illusion about women: they do not read them in a true light: they misapprehend them, both for good and evil: their good woman is a queer thing, half doll, half angel; their bad woman almost always a fiend.”
Charlotte Brontë, Shirley
It is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious( your sane ability to make the right choice). Almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that or even the fear that your mind has grown addiction to something you don’t like and is masking that evil to make you like it. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. It is at times difficult to ignore this voice. Suddenly the couple( if already married and want to keep the relation) must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship.
“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.”
― Cheryl Hughes

addictionDuring a survey of young people, the majority agreed that “Love is an addiction, like any other drug.” They were describing a powerful, universal phenomenon that is commonly called love, but is actually the exciting, roller-coaster ride to heartache that results when we let our lusts go unchecked. It is only an elusive shadow of the real thing. I’m not being cynical. Like a two stage rocket, many wonderful relationships were launched this way, before being fired to true love. Much pain, however, has tragically resulted from a failure to distinguish between these two distinct phenomena.

“Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion”.
Javan

True love is not an addiction; it’s a virtue. It brings with it not just temporary pleasure but eternal reward.
When lovers utter the magic words, “I love you,” rarely do they mean, “I am committed to doing all I can to please you, no matter what it costs me.” The words usually mean, “I am infatuated with you. I long to use you to maximize my pleasure. I am so drunk on chemicals released into my brain that I lust for more.”

It is not impossible that in time the relationship might transform into true love, but at that heady moment, the couple are far from it. Marriages crash because love soon loses power if allowed to coast along. Like a supersonic jet, true love requires constant course correction and energy input to keep it from crashing.
“We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality.”
Iris Murdoch

fantasy
“If love were genuine, it would be effortless”, whispers the Deceiver. On the contrary, it’s by the expenditure of effort that love is proved. The constant effort can seem irksome but it is the effort that turns love into something exquisitely meaningful, rather than a mere robotic response. It is the effort that produces the virtue, the honor and the eternal reward.
(The amount of time and effort God expects to be expended in a marriage is alluded to in 1 Corinthians 7:33-34.) 33 “But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world–how he can please his wife…

To Schopenhauer, the ultimate purpose of human being is to breed and have children and continuing the next generation. Everything in our life is geared towards that goal. The survival of species is the ultimate quest in all living creatures. It’s biological, it’s instinctive, it’s in our Will, something which is beyond our conscious control. Not surprisingly, his work inspired the work of latter generation such as the study of subconscious mind by Sigmund Freud and Evolution by Charles Darwin.
Schopenhaeur said falling in love is a ‘blind biological urge’ in us – love is basically an illusion which pull men and women together. Love in our mind is magical, sweet, sensational and is a symbol of happiness. But little did we know that these emotions come together with Love as a whole ‘package’. When human are able to derive positive emotions out of something, we gain satisfaction. And this satisfaction is what keep our desire alive. It’s instinctive, and we are basically slaves to our own instinct and desire (Schopenhauer called it Will).

loneliness“Who knows what true loneliness is – not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.”
Joseph Conrad

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